Where do pets come from?
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of
Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would
shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with
me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here
and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when
you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it
was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged
his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all
the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be
a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was
content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came
to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is
worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is
loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know
that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would
not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he
was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
A cat in heaven
The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the
entrance.
A cat shows up.
St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and
didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one
special thing you have always wanted."
Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my
master had, so I could lie on it."
St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you
enter in."
Next a group of mice appeared.
St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You
didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals.
Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much
fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"
St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."
Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.
"Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say ... that Meals on Wheels thing was a nice touch, too!"
The skilled worker
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the
idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The
manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out
a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to
him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then
told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked
flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realise that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw
on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
If you can .........
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give
you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you
when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct
him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor
friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, colour, religion or politics,
Then, my friend ........ you are almost as good as your dog.
The parrot
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a
quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him
crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by
the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this
just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy
gets mad and says, "OK, you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches
and, when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird
kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At
first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried
that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the
chicken do?"
Signs that your cat has a (cat)ality disorder
Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives
depended on it!
You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched
over the wheel of your running Buick.
Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again
and again and again...
Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.
Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
Rides in your car with its head out the window.
She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet
actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of
empty "9 Lives" cans.
Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll
granules from the plain white ones.
After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the
TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or
lazy felines.
Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn
ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a (cat)ality Disorder...
Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic
attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
| Why
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| Women
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Men
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| Love Their Dogs
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Dogs have feelings and aren't afraid to show them
Dogs don't mind the crumbs that end up on the kitchen floor
A dog will patiently wait, even when it's hard for him
Dogs don't care about power and ego
Dogs always greet you at the door & would open it for you if they could
Your appearance or shape does not matter at all to a dog
Dogs will let you know they need help
Dogs don't brood for days when you try to correct them on important issues
A dog is happy if he has only one toy
When you're unhappy, dogs will come and lick your face
Dogs always think you're wonderful, even when you've been terrible
Dogs forgive you for the same offence, even seven times seven
A dog that goes along for the ride, doesn't watch the clock, and only has eyes for you
Dogs love you unconditionally even when you don't deserve it from them
Dogs are trustworthy
Dogs are gentle
Dogs are very observant
Dogs understand when mealtime is late or even missed
Dogs are often spontaneous, unregimented, and are not logical
Dogs trust you
Dogs don't mind your messy car
Dogs don't understand guilt or condemnation
Dogs always forgive you for everything
Dogs are never threatened by your knowledge
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Dogs don't cry
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day
Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs never put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
Dogs never criticise
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
If a dog gets old and starts to snap at you constantly, you can shoot it
A dog's time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets, or your sock drawer
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had
Dogs are excited by rough play
Dogs never expect gifts
A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one
Dogs never need to examine your relationship
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
Dogs love long car trips
It is legal to keep a dog chained up at your house
Dogs don't borrow your shirts
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
Dogs love it when your friends come over
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
Dogs think you sing great
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
Dogs love red meat
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
Anyone can get a good looking dog
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it
Dogs don't shop
A dog's parents never visit
Dogs don't hate their bodies
Dogs never buy Kenny G or Michael Bolton CDs
Dogs don't worry about germs
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry
Dogs never want foot-rubs
Dogs can't talk
Dogs aren't chatty
Dogs seldom outlive you
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